Understanding Grief with Linda Rowley - Podcast 

Grief is personal and individual, and every person experiences its differently.

There are no rules, no timetables, and no linear progression. Some people feel better after a few weeks or months, and for others it may take years. And during recovery there can be setbacks

It’s important you treat yourself with patience and compassion and allow the time process to your grief.

Grief is often described in stages, though each stage may last for a different period of time, everyone. 

Your personal feelings are normal, and it’s important to remember that at some point, it will get better. You may not get over your loss, but you will survive it. The five general stages of grief, as described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross: 

Denial: This can’t be happening.

Anger: Why did this happen? Who is to blame?

Bargaining: Make this not happen and I will…

Depression: I can’t bear this; I’m too sad to do anything.

Acceptance: I acknowledge that this has happened, and I cannot change it.

While the five stages of grief may appear to be steps in a defined process, they are not. Even Kübler-Ross said that the stages are not meant to linear or neat — there is no typical loss and no typical grief. Grieving is as individual as we are and is not a linear process.

Common signs and symptoms

Shock and disbelief: It’s hard to accept death. You may feel numb and question whether the loss really happened — this isn’t unusual. Some have noted their initial reluctance even to notify others of a loss in case it turned out to be untrue. This is a normal reaction, as it is still expecting your person to call, write, or show up, even if intellectually you have accepted their death.

Sadness: Profound sadness is a universal experience and can often lead to feeling aloneness or isolation. We sometimes believe that no one can understand the depth of our grief, which drives us deeper into sorrow. 

Guilt: You may feel guilt over things you said or did — or those you didn’t and thought you should have. In cases of suicide, many people question whether they could have changed the outcome somehow. Yet nothing can stand in the way of death or a final decision made by someone else to die, and over time we have to acknowledge and accept that. Still, it’s challenging to do in the early days or months of grieving.

Anger: Regardless of how someone we loved died, anger often comes into play. You may be angry with the person for not being here anymore or with caregivers for not doing more. You may blame God or others. Or you may not be able to direct your anger against a specific source but find that daily, small injustices seem much more significant than they might have in the past. This is normal, and no one should tell you that you must stop or let go of your anger — that will happen eventually as part of your process, on your timeline.

Fear: A loss can trigger anxiety on many levels — fear of your mortality, losing those you love, and facing life without the person who died. It can include fear of the future and the uncertainty you may now feel about your life’s plans, knowing that someone close to you has died.

Physical pain: We often think of grief as emotional, but it can also manifest physically. Symptoms can include nausea, fatigue, lowered immunity, weight loss or gain, insomnia, aches and pains, and more. Although it can be pretty difficult, it’s essential to do what you can to maintain your health during grief.

During grief and after, many things can trigger a return to intense grief — ordinary things like a birthday, a holiday, or the anniversary of the death. Or more subtle experiences like catching a scent of perfume or cologne that reminds you of your person or the smell of their favorite food cooking.

Myths and facts about grief 

MYTH: The pain will go away faster if you ignore it.

Fact: Trying to ignore your pain or keep it from surfacing will only worsen it in the long run. It is necessary to face your grief and actively deal with it for natural healing.

MYTH: It’s important to be “strong” in the face of loss.

Fact: Feeling sad, frightened, or lonely is a normal reaction to loss. Crying doesn’t mean you are weak. You don’t need to “protect” your family or friends by putting on a brave front. Showing your true feelings can help them and you.

MYTH: If you don’t cry, you aren’t sorry about the loss.

Fact: Crying is a normal response to sadness, but it’s not the only one. Those who don’t cry may feel the pain as deeply as others. They may simply have other ways of showing it.

MYTH: Grief should last about a year.

Fact: There is no right or wrong timeframe for grieving. How long it takes can differ from person to person.

Self-Care

Allow yourself to grieve: Often, we push the grief away or tamp it down by distracting ourselves with activities or tasks. Trying to avoid suffering only prolongs it — the grief has to be allowed to surface. Unresolved grief can lead to depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and health problems.

Tangibly express your feelings: This can be done in many ways, depending on your creativity or usual means of expression. For example, you can write about your loss in a journal or send a private note to the person you’ve lost. In addition, you can make a scrapbook, photo album, or create an online memorial celebrating that person’s life. You can also get involved in an organization or philanthropy that was meaningful to them or donate in their name.

Be physically healthy: Your mind and body are connected, and physical health helps with emotional healing. It’s natural to feel sluggish or low energy, but if you’re able to take a walk or a run, it will promote the process. Combat your fatigue with an appropriate amount of sleep, and choose foods that provide you not just with comfort but energy.

Don’t judge yourself or let others judge you: You can grieve for as long and as deeply as you need to. No one — including yourself — can tell you when to “move on” or “get over it.” It’s okay to be angry, to cry, not cry, or even laugh — you need to allow for moments of joy in your grief and feel no guilt for having a moment without pain. 

Ambiguous grief is unresolved grief that might have resulted from complex trauma where circumstances lack a clear conclusion or closure.

Coined in the ‘70s by famous psychotherapist Pauline Boss, PhD, when she was a doctoral student, the term ambiguous grief has provided language for and acknowledgment of ambivalent loss.

“Labeling it as ambiguous loss can be very healing when we have terms to describe what we’re going through. It helps us cope better,” says Beth Tyson, a psychotherapist based in Pennsylvania.

Boss developed her theory of ambiguous grief across decades in her work as a family therapist in Minnesota. In 1999, she published the seminal book “Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live With Unresolved Grief,” which outlined the two types of ambiguous loss: type one and type two.

Type One

Type one ambiguous grief happens when someone is physically gone but psychologically there. This might refer to people who are missing or people whose bodies are gone in some way.

Examples of physical ambiguous loss may include tragedies, such as:

kidnapping

war

genocide

terrorism

natural disasters such as floods, hurricanes, and earthquakes

ethnic cleansing

Type Two

Type two ambiguous loss happens when there’s a lack of psychological presence while someone is physically there. This might refer to people who are emotionally unavailable or cognitively gone.

Examples of type two ambiguous loss may be identified as:

losing a baby to miscarriage

having a parent with substance use disorder

losing contact with a loved one via immigration

being a child of the foster care system

loss of dreams and plans due to setbacks or uncertainty

having a loved one facing a disease like Alzheimer’s or other illnesses that impact memory

experiencing a loss without closure such as suicide and infant death

What are symptoms of ambiguous grief? 

If you experience ambiguity that persists in the grieving process you may notice:

blocked cognition

difficulties with coping

the grief process might feel “frozen”

persistent sadness for uncertain reasons

Anticipatory grief is when you experience grief before a loss occurs. Anticipatory grief might be felt by people waiting for a possible terminal illness diagnosis or by loved ones of someone nearing death.

In some cases, ambiguous grief can overlap with anticipatory grief. Anticipatory grief can even turn into ambiguous grief.

Researchers studied the emotions of loved ones of missing people in Italy. They noted the presence of both ambiguous grief and anticipatory grief.

This study, published in 2020, found a prolonged state of uncertainty contributes to both anticipatory and ambiguous grief. In other words, experiencing an endless wait for news in tragic circumstances can contribute to both forms of grief.

Boss’ theory of ambiguous grief includes a framework for how to best cope with grief that may lack a clear path.

Seek meaning through creativity.

“One of the most powerful ways that humans make meaning out of ambiguous loss is through art: we sing, dance, write poems, produce theater, make art, grow tulips in the garden,” says Stern.

“We listen to the music of our ancestors and our role models, which expresses something deeper about our own grief while showing us how others made their way through it.”

Explore a new identity for grief

Psychologist Susan David, PhD, once said, “Grief is love, looking for a home.” Remembering that your grief can take on a new meaning with time is key.

Tyson says, “Finding something to love can be a coping skill, such as a small pet or other beloved objects to stand in for the person who’s missing. Mentors and family members can also take on this role.”

Try to become OK with ambivalence.

Ambivalence is a deeply human part of life. It’s natural to feel ambivalent in the wake of grief. What matters is how we handle our complicated emotions.

“In the aftermath of ambiguous loss, there can be a strong tendency to numb — with overwork, social media, Netflix, food, or alcohol. It’s human to want to turn away from painful emotions,” says Stern.

“But the problem with numbing is that it turns us away from the important work of grieving. Numbing shuts down a deep part of ourselves,” she adds.

Consider changing your relationship to loss

“It can be helpful to redefine the roles within a family after a loved one has gone missing or separated from their family of origin,” says Tyson.

“So, for example, if you have a child who is being raised by their grandparents, they’re no longer in the grandparent role, but the parent role.”

Pursue hope

There are lots of ways to experience hope. One way to find hope is to acknowledge your and others’ grief by setting aside time to intentionally ponder memories or allow certain emotions to arise.

Tyson suggests setting aside 10 minutes to deliberately think about the person who’s missing from your life. This may help relieve your mind of constantly searching for solutions.

If your brain knows you’ll have a specific time to think about the problem, it may allow more time for you to focus on other tasks.

Looking ahead 

Ambiguous grief is a theory of grief that may help us make sense of grief or trauma that can feel senseless or shapeless.

Even if things never seem to make sense, having hope that we can learn to be OK with our ambivalence can help with coping.

“Everyone walks their own path, cycling through many stages over years or a lifetime. There’s no one path through grief; every loss is unique, and our responses to it vary depending on our culture, upbringing, personality, and stage of life,” says Stern.

Apendix 

• ·         Boss P. (1999). . : Harvard University Press.
  Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved GriefCambridge, MA

• Testoni I. (2020). The endless grief in waiting: A qualitative study of the relationship between ambiguous loss and anticipatory mourning amongst the relatives of missing persons in Italy.
  ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7408511/

• PsychCentral

Having life and death age appropriate conversations with loved ones

• Childrens’ Hospital of Orange County: https://health.choc.org/talking-to-children-about-death-an-age-by-age-guide/

• Care Search: https://www.caresearch.com.au/tabid/6485/Default.aspx

End of life / palliative care / Death and Dying resources:

• Care Search https://www.caresearch.com.au/

• Gippsland Region Palliative Care Consortium https://www.grpcc.com.au/

• End of Life Doula Directory https://www.endoflifedouladirectory.com.au/

• Advance Care Planning https://www.advancecareplanning.org.au/create-your-plan/create-your-plan-vic

• End of Life Wishes Booklet https://www.lindarowley.com.au/end-of-life-planning-and-support

Ambiguous Loss

Ambiguous Loss website Dr Pauline Boss https://www.ambiguousloss.com/

Workshops and Coaching https://www.lindarowley.com.au/

Complex Trauma Grief https://blueknot.org.au/

There are also a range of videos on You Tube – interviews with Dr Pauline Boss are credible.

Grief resources and Support

There are many websites etc. I am just listing the ones I am familiar with or are government funded.

• Grief line https://griefline.org.au/

• Grief Australia https://www.grief.org.au/

• My Grief Assist https://www.mygriefassist.com.au/

• Compassionate Friends  https://www.compassionatefriendsvictoria.org.au/

• Carer Gateway https://www.carergateway.gov.au/

• Dr Lucy Hone’s website  https://www.copingwithloss.co/

• Dr Lucy Hone’s book: Resilient Grieving

• Dr Paul Wong Article: Transformation of Grief through Meaning http://www.drpaulwong.com/transformation-grief-meaning/

• Sydney Grief Counselling Service https://sydneygriefcounselling.com/

Self-Compassion

Self-Compassion website: https://self-compassion.org/

Dr Gabor Mat'e https://drgabormate.com/

Mental Health and Suicide Prevention Resources

Suicide Prevention Podcasts including Understanding Suicide Bereavement and Talking About Suicide https://gphn.org.au/what-we-do/programs/suicide-prevention-program/suicide-prevention-podcasts/

Suicide Prevention Resources: https://gphn.org.au/what-we-do/programs/suicide-prevention-program/

Mental Health First Aid and 4 hour Conversations About Suicide workshops: https://www.lindarowley.com.au/mental-health-first-aid  or https://mhfa.com.au/

Mental Health Support

Gippsland Mental Health Directory https://www.gippslandmentalhealth.org.au/

Beyond Blue https://www.beyondblue.org.au/

Lifeline: 13 11 14 https://www.lifeline.org.au/

Suicide Call Back Service https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/

The WES https://www.llg.org.au/services/the-wes

Forgiveness has been shown to reduce our stress levels, our heart disease and mental illness[i], it can prevent our cognitive decline as we age[ii] and help us live longer[iii], earn more money[iv] and be happier[v], whey then does it seem so hard for some of us to do?

We live in a world where most of us understand that language matters, how we say and what we say is credibly important both in meaning and in interpretation. And yet when people talk about forgiveness, in the western world there is almost exclusively one narrative and one expectation.

In our Homogenised western world, forgiveness culture has been heavily influenced by Christianity and with that comes, modern interpretations to the meaning of forgiveness.

In Judaism where the Christian idea of forgiveness stems from, a person may not expect forgiveness unless he undergoes a sincere effort to perform “teshuva,” meaning “repentance” or “return.” The elements of teshuva include rigorous self-examination and require the perpetrator to engage with the victim, by confessing, expressing regret and making every effort possible to right the wrong that they committed.

Christianity however teaches that you cannot expect gods’ forgiveness of sins, if you do not forgive others. It teaches that as Jesus forgave all sin, so must we unilaterally forgive all sin. Mathew 6:14-16 says “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your Heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your father will not forgive your sins”

And for many it is this language and expectation that poses a barrier to forgiveness for them. For those of us who have grown up in a totalitarian or fundamentalist religion and cults, forgiveness can be a heavily loaded word. Loaded with abusive expectations. Take for example Jehovah witness, who believe that forgiveness of sins, is all that is required for atonement. In their Elders Guidebook “shepherding the Flock”[vi] It makes mention of the wrongdoer praying for forgiveness and expressing their sorrow to the church leaders, but it warns against any punishment outside, reduced privileges in the congregation and occasionally a congregation wide warning announcement that’s limited to “name of Person has been reproved’ if they feel the congregation is at spiritual risk from associating with this person, or they haven’t repented enough. In the guidebook they specifically use the example of childhood sexual abuse for a public announcement but condemn going to the police or other authorities. Rather they advise if the person continues to sin, they excommunicated from the congregation until such time as they repent. But again, no authorities are to be involved. As for the person abused, they are encouraged to “love the wrongdoer unto repentance” only in the instance of excommunication are they allowed no contact with this person. If the person appears to repent by apologizing to the church leaders and claiming to have sought gods’ forgiveness, then the abused is expected to forgive as God and the church have also forgiven, this includes keeping their mouth shut and not telling anyone what has happened, or else they will be brought up to church leaders for slander and gossip. So, what might you ask justifies excommunication? Unfortunately, not much, only unrepentant adultery, fornication, and apostacy. Not even child abuse or domestic violence are justifications for excommunication, leaving their victims stuck. Because similarly the only grounds for divorce in the watchtower bible and tract society that is the full name of the Jehovah witness’s organization, is adultery with either a confession or two forms of photographic evidence of the actual act of adultery, not kissing or hugging, but photographic evidence of your spouse having sex with another person. They can beat you, rape you, assault and rape your children but only two photos of your spouse having sex with another person, will get you spiritual grounds for divorce.

But even after all this, the demands and expectation of the abused that they forgive holds them hostage to “Jehovah’s mercy”

So, what do you do when the person you’re expected to forgive, isn’t sorry? And you fear that they will hurt someone else?

In one such case,A 5 year old girl repeatedly spoke out against the sexual harassment she experienced from a family member but embarrassed by the family members actions and not want to loose contact with other family members, she was told to keep quiet and not speak of it. .Already quite accustomed to the entitlement of men and failure to protect her by her family members this young girl begged the church elders for help. The churches response of “it’s ok, keep praying to Jehovah and he will look after you, but whatever you do, don’t fight back. We don’t learn war anymore remember- Isiah 2:4” but seeing as this was happening inside her own family unit made it so much worse and while she begged for help, for someone to intervene and put a stop to it, no one listened. Finally, by 13ish years old as the situation started to slowly escalate the person in question was now a guardian for this young girl had started regularly smelling her used underwear and dry humping her while also making jokes about her needing to get used to male attention, She made up her mind, consequences be damned, She was going to the police, even if that meant she would be excommunicated. As Jehovah Witnesses it is forbidden to go to the authorities for fear of brining reproach upon Jehovah’s name and doing so is seen as a form of apostacy. Which would mean her entire family would have been forbidden to speak to her, even as she lived with them, as one church elder put it when she asked him for advice “if you do this, your mother will be forced to disown you and kick you out, you will have to live on the streets or in foster care and you’ll end up addicted to drugs or prostitution’ Thankfully the threat of going to the police was enough to stop the manhandling but it triggered 16 years of psychological terrorism. And all the time, She was being told by the church “you need to love him into repentance” “if he’s not repentant it’s because you don’t love him enough and you haven’t properly forgiven him, and thus god cannot forgive you for your part in his sin”

20 Years after all this happened, She had long since left the Jehovah Witnesses and post Royal Commission She finally had the courage to lodge a statement with police. It was there She learnt that that this man has long since been a person of interest. Twice in those 12 years, he had, had a falling out with two of his best friends and for 2-3 years the family would never see his best friends, then suddenly one day her family member would bump into his ‘best friends’ and all would be forgiven, and they’d start up their regular family dinners together again with this family man, his two young children, and  his wife. IT would stay like that until the next falling out and the two best friends would disappear for you few years again. That was until 2009, when both the best friends were sentenced to life in prison for multiple counts of child rape, The male family member acted distraught and thanked her for letting him know, he was devastated to learn the risk he had put his family through. But many years later when she finally had the courage to make a statement to police, she learned her family member knew all along what his friends were up to, he had been interviewed multiple times as a person of interest, when his friends went to prison. Those 2-3 year stretches where they wouldn’t see his best friends; the friends were sentenced to prison for child rape and my family member knew it…, had she not seen the news article in 2009 and called her family, and had she not made a statement to police years later about her family member, she would never have known, the kind of company he kept, and knowingly allowed around his children. Nor learned to accept the man he truly was. 

So why am I telling you all this? To highlight how similar societies views of forgiveness are to those of fundamentalist cults. In my experience the general view of forgiveness in society almost marries those of Jehovah Witnesses and other totalitarian fundamentalist religions. The modern Christian attitude of forgiveness being the only way forward has affected almost everything, even therapy. Forgiveness is such a loaded word for everyone not just me and other religiously traumatized people. Such much emotion and conviction are embedded in that word for hundreds of thousands of people around the world, but in the west, we’ve forgotten that it means a lot of different things to a lot of different people.

For example, Chinese cultures are “not quite used to using the term ‘forgiveness’” Instead they might use [kuānshù], which is quite formal and gives the impression that the committed offence was very serious. It is also closely related to religion – and conjures images of divine forgiveness handed down from a god – and would be quite inappropriate for one person to offer another unless there was a serious transgression such as child abuse. [yuan liang], on the other hand is a bit like “forbearance” in English. Where the transgressed might completely overlook someone’s mistake so as not to even mention it[vii] for the sake of maintaining social harmony.

In Chinese culture “People don’t like the idea of directly addressing a transgression,” therefore “Forbearance” is usually associated with trivial problems, like lateness or untidiness, and generally means that the transgressed is prepared to ignore the problem in order to maintain harmony.

So why then in western culture do we demand forgiveness of serious wrongdoing, even at the expense of the wronged? Many believe that you must forgive those who caused or contributed to your trauma in order to recover and yet, despite years and years of research there is no evidence to suggest this is true. In a recent article on Psychology Today Amanda Ann Gregory LCPC highlighted valuable reasons why forgiveness isn’t required in Trauma recovery[viii] Not only does

·       Forgiveness diminishes harms and wrongs, which can inhibit safety.

·       Forgiveness focuses on the abuser instead of the survivor, and resistance often leads to blaming the survivor, perpetuating shame.

·       Forgiveness encourages silence and can be used to avoid recovery.

She poses this scenario Imagine you are told that you must forgive someone who has harmed you. It does not matter what the situation was or its impact on you; you must forgive them. When you seek social support, you are told things such as, “That was years ago, let it go,” and “You shouldn’t feel angry; move on.” These messages demonstrate a lack of acceptance and even empathy on the part of those who express them, and may cause you to feel as though your perceptions, emotions, and experiences are illegitimate, false, or misdirected; they might suggest that your pain or well-justified anger is simply less important than your ability to forgive your abuser. Acceptance is an important ingredient to fostering and maintaining safety for trauma survivors, and safety is required in order to recover and process trauma. A failure or refusal to accept and affirm trauma survivors’ lived experiences creates environments and relationships detrimental to their ability to recover or truly “move on.”[ix][x]

“Forgiveness is for you, not the other person,” is a popular, well-intended saying. However, the cliché doesn’t translate well to trauma recovery, as forgiveness focuses on the relationship that the survivor has with their abuser. In contrast, trauma recovery ought to focus on the survivor's relationship with themself.” [xi]

Shame is often created or validated by trauma. Survivors often believe that they are “unlovable,” not “good enough,” “stupid,” “incapable,” “weak,” or “bad,” or that they cannot safely exist in the world. survivors often blame themselves for their own traumas, and emphasis on forgiveness contributes to a culture of victim-blaming that many survivors have unfortunately internalized. It tells victims that if you can’t forgive then something is wrong with you and if something is wrong with you, then you probably deserved what you got. Or maybe just maybe your crazy and overreacting, because if you weren’t you’d be able to forgive. IT perpetuates that stereotypes that victim are irreparably broken.  Dr Gregory asks us to Consider this: A child believes that they are a “bad” kid because their mother yells and punches them. As an adult, they believe that they are a “bad person,” which has a negative impact on their self-worth and relationships. Then, a relative says, “That was years ago, you should forgive her.” If this adult cannot forgive (which is common when trauma experiences are unprocessed), this inability serves as further validation that they are indeed a “bad person.”

She explains that” When you forgive someone, the expectation is that you won’t discuss the situation further. It’s done. It’s dead and buried, like it never happened. In fact, one common sign that you have actually not forgiven someone is your need to continually to discuss the situation). Similarly  forgiveness can inhibit survivors' ability or willingness to report perpetrators, since seeking judicial accountability, vindication, or punishment is often seen as contrary to the “spirit” of forgiveness” This is particularly difficult and troubling in a unapologetic abuser likely to reoffend. Staying silent can allow for cycles to perpetuate.  Not to mention that Trauma survivors need to be able to disclose and share their trauma narratives as often as needed, as this is a vital part of recovery. Recovery being an ongoing and evolving process throughout their lives.

Lastly Dr Gregory explains that forgiveness can be used as a means to avoid recovery Forgiveness can be the path of least resistance, which isn’t always a good thing. Trauma treatment is emotionally, and at times physically, painful. To avoid the pain of processing trauma, you might force yourself to forgive your abuser in the hopes that the impact of the trauma will dissipate.[xii]

For my friends part her road to moving on was personal and reflective of her individual circumstances, she choose to focus on the acts of moving on, letting go and setting herself free rather than the privilege of forgiveness. She states she was very fortunate that her psychiatrist was Jewish, and did not take a unilateral view of forgiveness, and was therefore able to support and validate the terms of forgiveness that she had set for myself.

She sat down and wrote letters to all the people who played a part in the abuse she experienced by that particular family member, she laid out my her experience of the trauma and their indifference, and then explained that for the 99% of the family involved she actually understood, she saw their generation hurt, their pain and their suffering and she saw how it affected them and the cause it had on her own experience of the situation, and that for this reason, she was no longer willing to play the role of victim or nuisance family member. And until such time as they could meet as equals with the dignity and respect that she deserved, She would be choosing not to have contact with them. As for those who had every opportunity to know and do better including the perpetrator, She choose not to forgive them, because "they do not deserve that privilege from me". She explained that instead of forgiving them, she was giving them back her pain, suffering, and trauma, because their actions were theirs alone and the heart break never belonged to her, for her to carry. It was never her guilt or shame to carry, it was always theirs and similarly "it’s not my forgiveness to forgive because I not the power to appease their guilt or shame". Because even though their behaviours were put on her,  She does not carry or identify with them. Because she reflects who she chooses to be and not what was done to her.

It's been many years since she wrote this letter, to her family but she considers it the moment she liberated herself and it was ultimately this lack of forgiveness that paved the way for her compassion. In the years since, She have grown and matured to a point that She can look back with understanding and see how generational trauma affected some of her family causing their indifference that hurt her so much. And she can see their pain and suffering. Now after many years She is able to love and unilaterally forgive some of them despite their mistakes because she understands how pain and trauma affected them. And for others she has simply moved on to a point where they no longer matter to her, She am indifferent to them, including the perpetrator.

Thus there are many roads and many definitions to forgiveness, don't let society dictate yours. what matters is your recovery.

If you or someone you know has experienced sexual or domestic violence Contact 1800 RESPECT

If you or someone you know is experiencing depression or anxiety please contact beyond blue on 1300 22 46 36

For support with suicide please contact Lifeline on 13 11 14

For support with Religious trauma see https://www.daretodoubt.org/mental-health

For Ex Jehovah Witness specific support see https://avoidjw.org/

[i]https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25139892/#:~:text=Greater%20lifetime%20stress%20severity%20and,for%20persons%20exhibiting%20more%20forgiveness.

[ii] https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/30346198/

[iii] https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/21706213/

[iv] https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/31409102/

[v] https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10902-008-9111-8

[vi] https://avoidjw.org/secret/elders/

[vii] https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s12144-018-9875-x

[viii]https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/simplifying-complex-trauma/202202/why-forgiveness-isn-t-required-in-trauma-recovery

[ix] https://www.symmetrycounseling.com/counseling-chicago/is-forgiveness-necessary-for-trauma-recovery-part-1/

[x] https://www.symmetrycounseling.com/counseling-chicago/is-forgiveness-necessary-for-trauma-recovery-part-2/

[xi] https://medium.com/illumination/forgiveness-is-the-wrong-response-to-trauma-37a002774ade

[xii] https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/simplifying-complex-trauma/202202/why-forgiveness-isn-t-required-in-trauma-recovery